he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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