Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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