I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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