just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
