i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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