If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
