Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
