my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
