Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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