he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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