Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
