I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
