I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
