Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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