I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
