I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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