you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
