A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
