You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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