Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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