last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
