Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
