you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
