I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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