I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
