I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
