New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
