Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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