See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
