Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
