I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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