in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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