Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
