We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
