My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
