The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
