she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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