I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
