don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
