That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
