how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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