i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
