My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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