Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you made out with another girl for some wings
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
