i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
