meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
time to smoke my breakfast
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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