Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
