You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
