if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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