Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
