just tell him i said nine months
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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