I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
