soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
